Oh my God!

What is God? Who is God? Why is God? When is God?

These might be prententiously silly and idiotic questions to many, for me this has been the centre of my spiritual thinking for the last one year. It happens rarely that during the years of existence, you begin to question all the preconceived, preexisting notions of god and religion and then you get all the help you need to clear your doubts.

Three most influential persons who helped me. Prof P N Murthy who was my professor for our ‘Theory of Action’ Course during my last semester in IIIT. It happens rarely that you get to see the conviction and the truth that shows in the voice and the relative comfort he showed when he patiently answered our questions. Its that simple conviction that you get to see rarely, that conviction in their belief, that forced me to trust him. But the journey isnt yet over.

And then Jiddu Krishnamurthy whose teachings, rather recorded conversations which just drive you to insanity.

And my Dad, whose single line just broke all my logic and premonitions
‘Why should i believe in god, dad?’
‘No need to’
‘But do you?’
‘Yes’
‘Why?’
‘Faith’
‘But why?’
‘because Faith has no logic’

Whats so influential about these three persons who influenced me so much? Because, there are many people, spiritual gurus all round, spreading the same message, moment by moment. Becuase in them i see a blind conviction in what they believe. Not a defensive conviction, that shows in a blind believer who would not dare to ask questions, because his whole life and values built around them would just crumble. Its not a conviction, that just blindly accepts or rather conditioned to believe so. Its a conviction that comes because of having found them, by going through the same struggle, untiring, relentless, ruthless.

My journey is yet on. I dont see myself stopping until im convinced. Its been a tumultous journey, questioning yourself, scrutinizing yourself, judging and finally understanding each and every action and though of yours.

Ive tried hard to find many answers, many are convincing, but thats because, im still trying to unravel it by logic, intellect, and that my friends is the key. Suspension of belief is something i need to believe in. There are many things i dont know. But i still revel in them. Enjoy them. And thats what im not doing.

But someday i might get to understand it. Atleast be in peace with all that is around. Im at peace now. But to get that ultimate peace, its a matter of time.

And then, im turning to a traditional jingoist that being a moral police. I love my tradition culture. Thats where all this ends at myself. Ill be happy if others follow, but, out of their own volition.

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